World, Meet Sloth

My beloved Alice died last night. So, today I bought Sloth, though I debated naming him Fatso, Glutton, or OCD Rodent. So far, Sloth’s hobbies including eating, bathing obsessively, and being too fat to fit on his wheel without falling off constantly. I think I’m in love.

I Like to Recycle. Do You?

Another great use for Big Brother’s newspaper.

Eight Pets. One Bedroom Apartment.

Yesterday, my university was giving away goldfish as part of Welcome Week. I felt bad for the fish, wondering how many would be dead by the end of the week. It was with that thought that I took it upon myself to adopt two of them because I seem to have a propensity for . . . not killing my pets. The fact that I’ve never owned any sort of fish before is completely beside the point.

Today, I went to PetCo to get a larger tank for them and, do I really even have to tell you what happened next? There was this huge tank full of feeder goldfish for 13 and 27 cents. There were at least 15 dead ones on the top. Those poor goldfish! And, you know, they’re only 13 cents . . . I could save one little goldfish from a pet store death for just 13 cents . . . They’re Somehow Different than the other, prettier, fatter goldfish that sell for over a dollar in separate, better tanks. Somehow, these fish were deemed Lesser. Somehow, these were deemed something’s lunch. And I wanted to buy all of them and love them. The guy at Petco tried to talk me out of it: ”you know these are feeder fish, right?” Yes, yes I do. “. . . They’re not going to live very long . . .” But they’ll die with LOVE!

At what point do you start charging admission into your apartment?

Keets in Love

I dare you to tell me there’s anything more adorable.

The Best Part About Your Religious Right-Wing Brother Owning a Newspaper

. . . is this. Keep ‘em coming, bro!

Lessons from My Parakeets

I’ve decided I should really start compiling the amazing life lessons incurred from living with parakeets. So, here we go.

1. You buy your keets a fantastic new bird cage; they will hide under your papason chair and chirp at each other while crapping on your carpet.
2. If you move your aggressive little hellion bird into his own cage in your room, he will decide to sing you a song. At 3 am.
3. Buy your keets a massive cage, and two of them WILL decide to sit on the exact same square inch of a single perch, even if this also requires hanging on to the cage with one foot. (See above photo.)

Welcome to the Keet House

New digs for the birds.